I heard the sound as if it was a ricocheted bullet rebounding from some far away target.  Bouncing back with a loud, deafening reverberation.  The echo of it roaring through my head in wave upon wave.

I wanted to cover my ears with my hands, bury my head, and curl up like a fetus to protect myself.  My chest was burning and heaving with the rhythm of a hollow drum.

I didn’t think I could stand it.

In fact, it was so long a foreigner to me.  A lost loved one who came knocking at my door after years gone by.

Oh, it wasn’t completely absent.  No, there were times when it skimmed the surface.  Brushing the air with a fraudulent response appropriate for the moment.  An expected courtesy.  The nod of the head.  The curling of the lips.  The forced, broken tap, tap, tapping from the back of my throat.

Faking my way not feeling much of anything.

Doing what normal people do.

I knew it would have to come eventually.  I knew I could not avoid it forever. In truth, I intentionally put it off.

I buried it deep into the ground.  Covered it with dirt.  Placed a stone at the head of it and engraved it with sacred words.

Six feet under.

When it unearthed, I was completely caught off guard. I imagine those around me heard the exaggeration…felt the desperation.  Wondered why I clutched my stomach and bent over with the force.

Thinking I was a bit mad.

Once it started, it would not stop.  Rails and rails of chained up tension came rising to the surface.  As if it were set free.  Cut from its shackles.

Raised from the dead.









One thought on “Resurrection

  1. I know Laughter will come, but it hasn’t yet. Right now, the strangest things still get to me. His phone still rings occasionally. It holds a charge better than mine does if the power fails. It’s a good backup.
    I can’t believe it’s been a year. Will I say that every year? I said it every month for a whole year… I miss him but… love is complicated, isn’t it? We bare our bodies and hide our hearts. We were not without our problems, Jack and I. I’m still trying to figure out the best way to remember him… Is there a best way?
    I took a lot of the reminders down…photos. His things. I needed a break from them. The happy days were good. But the bad days were overtaking them. The arguing and the disappointments and the ugly things he said. I want to forget them all. Because they’re making it hard for me to grieve him. Or cry for him.

    It’s funny talking here, right now. I feel like I’m in a synagogue that was accidentally left unlocked, and no one will hear me praying or crying or ranting. Whatever I’m doing here.
    Maybe no one will ever see this either.
    But I’m going to be okay.
    God hasn’t let me down yet and certainly not when I need him most.
    Kindest regards.


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